It’s Christmas time, and they’re all here

What a way to end the year

All the howling and whining and screaming

Biting and fighting and incessant weeping

All the name-calling and all of the grief

When will this end? I need some relief!

Stupid Aunt Yaz is at it again

Feeding the squirrels cold Cornish Hen

And Aunt Viv is yelling at Pat on the phone

Wondering when he will “get the hell home!”

And all of the cousins are gathered around

Spewing off gossip to make themselves proud

“Oh, I’m CEO.” “Well, I’m MVP.”

“Well, I have a baby. She’s number three!”

I try to escape to my room for some peace

But it’s all in vain. They’re all stalking me!

“Hey, how’s it going?” said mean Mary-Sue

“You’re room really stinks; oh, wait, that’s just you!”

Then terrible Tara jumps on my bed

And says, “It would be better if this were your head!”

So I run back downstairs and find it a mess

The whole place is crazy thanks to our ‘guests’

And I hate them all because they are so mean

But Mum says, “Bear with them. They’re your family.”

Family Schmamily is what I say

Whenever they’re near, it spoils my whole day!

Crazy Aunt Cher is talking to air

The language she uses makes Granny despair

But worst of all’s Maya, who I thought had died

But turns out she hates me, and that’s why she lied

And Mum says “Be nice”, but I say “Who cares?”

I’d much prefer if there was no one else here!

They might be family, but they’re not my friends

They won’t be with me when I’m at my wit’s end

They won’t support me. They’d love to see me fall!

So, now that I know that, why put up with them at all?

I could drive in my car and go far away

And stay there for a while, until the family goes away

But then my mother would be disappointed

Because problems like these cannot be avoided

But I’d really love to –just once! — watch them squirm

Mix up their guts like a can full of worms

I wouldn’t be nice — no, I’d be plain mean!

And give them a taste of the things that I’ve seen

Maybe that’s when they’ll learn to be kind

Kind like my mother, and open their minds

But until that day, I’ll hide under the table

Keep really quiet until I think I’m able

To handle this madness a few minutes more

Or until all of this ‘family’ walks out the front door

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