It’s Christmas time, and they’re all here
What a way to end the year
All the howling and whining and screaming
Biting and fighting and incessant weeping
All the name-calling and all of the grief
When will this end? I need some relief!
Stupid Aunt Yaz is at it again
Feeding the squirrels cold Cornish Hen
And Aunt Viv is yelling at Pat on the phone
Wondering when he will “get the hell home!”
And all of the cousins are gathered around
Spewing off gossip to make themselves proud
“Oh, I’m CEO.” “Well, I’m MVP.”
“Well, I have a baby. She’s number three!”
I try to escape to my room for some peace
But it’s all in vain. They’re all stalking me!
“Hey, how’s it going?” said mean Mary-Sue
“You’re room really stinks; oh, wait, that’s just you!”
Then terrible Tara jumps on my bed
And says, “It would be better if this were your head!”
So I run back downstairs and find it a mess
The whole place is crazy thanks to our ‘guests’
And I hate them all because they are so mean
But Mum says, “Bear with them. They’re your family.”
Family Schmamily is what I say
Whenever they’re near, it spoils my whole day!
Crazy Aunt Cher is talking to air
The language she uses makes Granny despair
But worst of all’s Maya, who I thought had died
But turns out she hates me, and that’s why she lied
And Mum says “Be nice”, but I say “Who cares?”
I’d much prefer if there was no one else here!
They might be family, but they’re not my friends
They won’t be with me when I’m at my wit’s end
They won’t support me. They’d love to see me fall!
So, now that I know that, why put up with them at all?
I could drive in my car and go far away
And stay there for a while, until the family goes away
But then my mother would be disappointed
Because problems like these cannot be avoided
But I’d really love to –just once! — watch them squirm
Mix up their guts like a can full of worms
I wouldn’t be nice — no, I’d be plain mean!
And give them a taste of the things that I’ve seen
Maybe that’s when they’ll learn to be kind
Kind like my mother, and open their minds
But until that day, I’ll hide under the table
Keep really quiet until I think I’m able
To handle this madness a few minutes more
Or until all of this ‘family’ walks out the front door